[26] Crush
So I probably have about a 9 in English. I waited to do my rough draft for our research paper till the last minute and found my computer totally crashed. My printer was broken, and so was my internet. Man, I was so pissed. I hate telling teachers excuses, because they always make the same face. It says: Does she really think I'm buying this crock of shit? And usually it's the truth! Usually.
Have I told you about Garrott? I don't think I have. Well, to put it shortly, he likes me. A lot. And I like him a little bit. I'm actually beginning to like him more, because we talk to each other a lot and I've found we have a lot of things in common. He also happens to be my 5th grade boyfriend's cousin. Yes. Strange. He goes to Argyle, Kayleigh's school, and that's how I met him.
It's kind of weird how every time I happen to like someone there's something wrong. i.e. they go to a different school, they don't like me back, they have a girlfriend. I've recently cleared about four guys from the "Rachel's Insanely Long Crush List" because somehow those three things came up with all of them. Mostly the second one, though, which isn't very surprising. The guys I like are always the ones who don't like me, and the guys who like me are always the ones I don't like. That's just the way it goes.
I took a really long shower last night. And after all the water drained out I just laid there, thinking about all of this. I was thinking whether it's worth it to have feelings for someone who doesn't and/or will never like you back. I once had a huge crush on this kid named Angel back in middle school. I don't know why I liked him so much, but I did, and he didn't like me. At least he didn't show it. I liked that kid for four years. Four fucking years. And in all of those four years he never showed even the slightest attraction toward me. But for some reason I just kept trying to act really cool around him.
After awhile I realized how pathetic I was being and got over him, but it makes you wonder. Why the hell did I like him for so long if I knew he didn't like me back? What was the point of dreaming about him and thinking about him every fucking minute of the day?
I've experienced this feeling so many times it's actually kind of sad. And every time it happens I'm aware of it, but I don't do anything about it. I just keep hurting myself.
And now, after all these years of lonely nights and heartaches, I've figured out why it's called a crush.
before // after